Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Dr told me I might have that new Chinese disease...Its called Dragon Ass

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   George Zimmerman is proof that we don't need any more gun control. We need pin-headed vigilante control.

   * He has put his foot in his mouth so often, that his foot bone spurs has transferred to his brain and that is why he can not act rationally.

   why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   Texas wants to become its own Country. Great we can boost our economy by building a wall around it.

   I prefer going to the pub than going to church because the spirits in the pub are real

   I swear some of yall blame Biden for everything, yet if trump was president none of you would blame trump

   I propose that Jesus must have been a Zombie. Lets look at the facts: He came back from the dead, He wants you drink his blood and also eat his flesh so that you have ever lasting life. Or maybe... a vampire-zombie? Hmm... futher study is needed.

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   BREAKING NEWS - Obama just won an Oscar for watching a movie!

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   The only reason I want the Bears to win today is so that I can watch them lose in the Super Bowl.

   busy Saving Humanity from the Evil Decepticons

   My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

   I found out that Rudy Giuliani was married to his cousin for 14 years. It all makes sense now.

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   At last a new pedophile, sorry I mean Pope has been elected.

   What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget