Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

   One goldfish says to the other, 'If there's no God, who changes our water every week?'

   Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

   You know you're getting old when 'happy hour' is an afternoon nap

   Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight

   You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

   U don't need friends to show how cool you r, or how great ur personality is. The tiger spends most of his time alone while sheeps are always in a herd

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time to form an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We could call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC if they keep it up they'll be hearing the screams from OFUC.

   The US Supreme Court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military funerals..... I invite you to start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment!

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   I refuse to lotion my body In fear of the fact that I may go to jail one day

   an important lesson I've learned moving from an office to a cubical, is that you cannot successfully execute a silent "one cheek sneak" while wearing noise cancelling headphones.

   Music is like candy. Throw away the rappers.

   The front desk had an add on the TV that said just call them with any request to make your stay more enjoyable. So I did, jeez they didn't have to get so upset..

   I've decided to give up fluorescent lighting for lent...oh, and chairs...maybe I'll throw in desks too, along with office cubicles and work phones...hope my boss understands my religious beliefs...

   I have life moments when all I can do is stop and say "Seriously?"

   When cocaine wants to get high it does a line of Charlie Sheen.

   I lost my Viagara down the toilet....Now I have hard water!

   I hear drinking wet cement can get you really stoned!!

   Justin Bieber's first name isn't really Justin... all his previous boyfriends nicknamed him that for some small reason.