Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

   used to be indecive but now she's not so sure

   Today almost had me pinned to the mat, but then I kneed its balls and now I'm pulling its tights up into its buttcrack.

   i kinda think the nintendo character mario was on drugs...he ate mushrooms & thought turtles were attacking & had to save the princess from the biggest baddest turtle of them all...this is why you dont do shrooms kids

   zombie rule #57 - you cannot armbar a zombie.

   Wats the point of having emergency vehicle  turn the lights on n driving below the speed limit on an empty street! 

   Can someone text me a in & out burger?

   The rather uneasy moment when your ex is hotter than before.

   There's always that one annoying kid that says "Present!" instead of"Here!"

   - I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into good energy with one click on that delete button ........ click , click , click ... GONE :)

   You have to be nuts to be between a guy's legs 24/7.

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   II wish the XXX Olympics gave medals for the ''Clean and Jerk''

   I'm sex..unattractive and I know it!

   My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.

   My good morals are in my other pants.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   I do declare douchebaggery and shenanigans! Happy F-Off Friday

   Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...

   It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number