Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's always that one annoying kid that says "Present!" instead of"Here!"

   - I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into good energy with one click on that delete button ........ click , click , click ... GONE :)

   You have to be nuts to be between a guy's legs 24/7.

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   II wish the XXX Olympics gave medals for the ''Clean and Jerk''

   I'm sex..unattractive and I know it!

   My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.

   My good morals are in my other pants.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   I do declare douchebaggery and shenanigans! Happy F-Off Friday

   Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...

   It's really not THAT crazy, you're just giving him your number

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   I just saw Taylor Swift so I said "Hey Taylor, guys are a$$holes & relationships suck!". Long story short, I'm featuring in her next album.

   Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...

   I created an imaginary girlfriend,but she just wants to be friends.

   Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy.

   What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone & go to another person and then another person and still didn't finish stalking the first one.

   Cous Cous: So good they named it twice.