Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get a lot of dates when I tell girls that the poem "the man from nantucket" was written about me.

   And some people wonder why their test grades are so low.. Or jobs suck so much.. Well when your names DaWanda IDGAFCHOOCHOOTRAIN Jonez.. On your application...NEXT!

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   What ever happened to Olive, the other reindeer?

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...

   Sources say Gretchen Carlson wasn't the first Roger Ailes victim. Let's not forget anyone ever forced to watch Fox News.

   Before you are kind to strangers you must be just.

   "Winter is Coming" -Melania Trump

   May I have your attention please. May I have your attention. Will all Bernie supporters form a SINGLE FILE line and follow Chet Lemming to the safe place room. Please move QUIETLY

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Even Donald Trump's previous marriages lasted longer than Brock Turner's prison sentence.

   Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.