Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And some people wonder why their test grades are so low.. Or jobs suck so much.. Well when your names DaWanda IDGAFCHOOCHOOTRAIN Jonez.. On your application...NEXT!

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   What ever happened to Olive, the other reindeer?

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   I'm too lazy to impressive funny on my own,stop with the political crap already,and get back to funny.

   I'm kind of disappointed Hillary won't be President. Woulda been interesting to have a First Man as the spouse and even more interesting stories about what happens under Hillary's desk.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

   I thought they said it was a "Joint Session". No bongs, no puff-puff-pass...hmph, joint session my @ss.

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   There’s more than one way to skin a cat but the cat probably won’t like any one of them.

   4 20

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.