Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just saw about 20 turkeys meandering on the side of the road. Pretty ballsy to be so flagrantly open the day before Thanksgiving in a recession.

   All computers wait at the same speed!

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   I'm so exited when X-Factor is on.........I'm sitting here at bar and the wife doesn't even know I'm gone

   In the kitchen with the wife and she asked, "What's the expiration date on this?" "11/30" I said. She went to throw it away and I said, "What are you doing!!! It's not even NOON yet!!!"

   My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....

   if you negate those who celebrate for the presents, or for the excuse to drink, or for the day off work, or for the reason to party, or for a morning in bed, the amount of people who truly celebrate Xmas is lower than the nos of actors in a 1 man show!

   I get a lot of dates when I tell girls that the poem "the man from nantucket" was written about me.

   And some people wonder why their test grades are so low.. Or jobs suck so much.. Well when your names DaWanda IDGAFCHOOCHOOTRAIN Jonez.. On your application...NEXT!

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   What ever happened to Olive, the other reindeer?

   If you dated a Sagittarius or a Leo don't worry about what's in the Vaccine

   I'm too lazy to impressive funny on my own,stop with the political crap already,and get back to funny.

   I'm kind of disappointed Hillary won't be President. Woulda been interesting to have a First Man as the spouse and even more interesting stories about what happens under Hillary's desk.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."