Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   My No 1 Resolution for 2020.. Only eat white snow.

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.

   I fell in love with a female electrician. …She was a real live wire and I took her ohm with me.

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

   A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   I'm too lazy to impressive funny on my own,stop with the political crap already,and get back to funny.

   I'm kind of disappointed Hillary won't be President. Woulda been interesting to have a First Man as the spouse and even more interesting stories about what happens under Hillary's desk.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.