Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.

   We will flip a coin to determine our future. Head, we will be together. Tail, we will flip again.

   According to the Amcash commercials, I only need my checkbook and last paystub. Apparently, your last paystub from October 2011 doesn't count!

   Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   I still prefer record albums with scratch sounds a poppin...gives character

   Man, I just got sucked into the internet and lost an hour. Hi, my name is Scott and I am an idiot...

   Sometimes you just have to take a breath ..... ;)

   Why do the media cover “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news?.... I think they do it for the same people that can not manage to operate a self check out isle! Which, I'm afraid is like 80% if he US population! God Help Us!!!!

   just saw about 20 turkeys meandering on the side of the road. Pretty ballsy to be so flagrantly open the day before Thanksgiving in a recession.

   All computers wait at the same speed!

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   I'm so exited when X-Factor is on.........I'm sitting here at bar and the wife doesn't even know I'm gone

   In the kitchen with the wife and she asked, "What's the expiration date on this?" "11/30" I said. She went to throw it away and I said, "What are you doing!!! It's not even NOON yet!!!"

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....

   if you negate those who celebrate for the presents, or for the excuse to drink, or for the day off work, or for the reason to party, or for a morning in bed, the amount of people who truly celebrate Xmas is lower than the nos of actors in a 1 man show!

   I get a lot of dates when I tell girls that the poem "the man from nantucket" was written about me.

   And some people wonder why their test grades are so low.. Or jobs suck so much.. Well when your names DaWanda IDGAFCHOOCHOOTRAIN Jonez.. On your application...NEXT!

   Im too honest to live in poverty. I have a job.