Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I nicknamed his d!ck "The Scrambler". Because it was a two-minute ride, and I threw up on it once.

   My demographic doesn't include folks unfamiliar with the word demographic.

   Conversations are the window to the brain.

   "I've been seeing someone else, but you probably haven't heard of him." - how hipster chicks admit cheating

   Bro she just called you blind! OH HELL NO! Where is she?

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   running on pills and luck

   Regardless of what they say, Romance is NOT dead. It's just playing dead. Kiss someone's lips to resuscitate it.

   jus bought a new ride, cruisin thru the hood and was surprised to discover the confederate horn they forgot to mention.

   My turn ons are only a light switch away.

   Dear Karma, There seems to be a serious issue with your records keeping software. Please work on that... and I expect a full refund.

   We will flip a coin to determine our future. Head, we will be together. Tail, we will flip again.

   According to the Amcash commercials, I only need my checkbook and last paystub. Apparently, your last paystub from October 2011 doesn't count!

   Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.

   Darth Vader had a hell of a case of emphysema.

   I still prefer record albums with scratch sounds a poppin...gives character

   Man, I just got sucked into the internet and lost an hour. Hi, my name is Scott and I am an idiot...

   Sometimes you just have to take a breath ..... ;)

   Why do the media cover “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news?.... I think they do it for the same people that can not manage to operate a self check out isle! Which, I'm afraid is like 80% if he US population! God Help Us!!!!