Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   US Presidential elections 2012, polls close. "So, Barack, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife Michelle. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?" "You have a mistress, now do you!!?"

   planning on driving to the south Florida for the Super Bowl. Let's just hope I don't "FUMBLE" my keys a few times before getting there.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday!! just say'in :))

   [stands up in church] Okay I’m starting to think some of this stuff isn’t true you guys.

   finding new uses for bananas

   "Listen to the sound of my voice...you're getting very sleepy...the economy is great...I alone fixed it...you will vote for me...on the count of 3 wake up" - Obama

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer

   Sarah Palin: 'I Owe America A Global Apology'. - No Palin, you owe the world an apology for continuing to talk and show your dumbass face.

   Anywhere in the word that is UTC-5 or less will get a full moon on Friday, Sept. 13 2019. So the next one isn't 2049..... Just sayin...

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   Cooking is only the second best thing I can do in the kitchen.

   A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

   Some people shouldn't talk unless they can improve on the silence.

   I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

   Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   Not to brag but, my beer would never wanna "Take a break" or "See other people" or ask to "Go through my phone"

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me