Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucious say, "Women's panties not best thing in life, but next to best thing in life."

   Confucious say , he who eat jelly bean, fart in living color.

   I hope Al Quaeda don't start putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup If one explodes......it could spell disaster.

   Looking at a hot woman and thinking, ‘The things I would do to you.'

   MAN RULE 105: Real men don't blow bubbles with bubble gum.

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter

   "If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?"

   In the car: Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? ....

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   Who won??? The giant douche or the turd sandwich??!

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   I have got to stop wearing my sunglasses when I go out on the boat, I'm starting to look like a raccoon

   I'm Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I'm good at cleaning.

   any one else creeped out when a grown, single man posts pictures of his dogs all the time??

   Get rich or die trying. If all else fails, start your own church.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.