Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!

   Women are like refrigerators; cold on the inside, you always want to put your meat in them, and they all belong in the kitchen.

   As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used

   What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about.

   Use yes and no once Are you gay?:________ .. Are you lying?:________

   While Obama was on the campaign trail for President, he said, if elected he was going to go "page by page eleminating the programs that do not work"...nobody had any idea that he was refering to the White House cable guide...

   WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN ? IT STAYS UP FOR 30 DAYS & NIGHTS, HAS CUTE BALLS & LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LIGHTS ON

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay

   Michael Jacksons twin sister died... R.I.P Elizabeth Taylor...

   I went to my psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360. I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

   I've been on and off the wagon so many times, I feel like a Wild West hooker working her way back to California.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   thinks a woman is like a KFC bargain bucket. Once you have finished with the breast and legs, all that is left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in.

   used to hate going to weddings, all the grandmas would poke her saying, you're next. They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

   I hate it when people throw cigarette butts in urinals... It makes them soggy, and hard to light.

   You know what I think is cute? When my wife drives my girlfriend home without even suspecting a thing.

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   We'll take Justin Bieber... Roman Catholic Church Priest Diocese.

   There was this annoying guy at a movie. So I thought to myself..." what would jesus do " .....So I started the guy on fire.

   Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!