Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.

   Yesterday my fat girlfriend gave herself a landing strip. Today she got hit by a plane.

   Snowball Fight! :) o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.❄。¨¯`*✲ ´*。.❄¨¯`*✲。❄*´*。✲O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸¸.✲.¸.o´¯`¸.o´¯`❄¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.✲´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸❄。`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄。¨¯`*�

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   Obama Says He Will Re-send Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I wanted to write something about DJ AM but some people said it was too early, so i'm gonna wait 'till noon.

   Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone

   Mexico's president says that there is "no way" his country would ever pay for a wall between it and the United States. We are now waiting for Donald Trump's stupid response to this....

   My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

   God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!

   Women are like refrigerators; cold on the inside, you always want to put your meat in them, and they all belong in the kitchen.

   As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used

   What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about.

   Use yes and no once Are you gay?:________ .. Are you lying?:________

   While Obama was on the campaign trail for President, he said, if elected he was going to go "page by page eleminating the programs that do not work"...nobody had any idea that he was refering to the White House cable guide...

   WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN ? IT STAYS UP FOR 30 DAYS & NIGHTS, HAS CUTE BALLS & LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LIGHTS ON

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay

   Michael Jacksons twin sister died... R.I.P Elizabeth Taylor...

   I went to my psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360. I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.