Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you sendme a friend request on FB, and your profile pic is of a vehicle of some sort, I'm going to assume that you're a Transformer.

   I will never change who I am for anyone. If you cant accept me the way I am, I will find someone else who will.

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.

   Maybe you should eat that makeup, so you can be damn pretty on the inside.

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt?...bet you're wondering now.

   I don always use Internet Explorer, But When I do, Its Always to download another browser. !

   Amy Winehouse Making the recession worse for drug dealers since 2011

   not watching jersey shores!!!!!!

   The minute people fall in love they become liars

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   20 years ago when the guys went out, one of us got stuck with the porker. Nowadays, all but one gets stuck with one…

   *US soldiers wearing Crocs invade Syria* Obama: Well technically I said no boots on the ground.

   I like my coffee the same as my women. Black and sweet and ready to be creamed in.

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence

   12.12.12 - It's a good day to test a microphone :)

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

   That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...

   I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?