Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   is it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   Be an OPTIMIST Prime and not a NEGAtron.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏. What I see: ∮₪₮￦￡. What the nurse sees: Aspirin.

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.......

   With Hostess gone now I wonder how many Straight Men out there will be CRAVING DING DONGS =/

   facebook needs a button that says,"What you just posted makes me want to stab you in the neck with a crescent wrench"

   If you sendme a friend request on FB, and your profile pic is of a vehicle of some sort, I'm going to assume that you're a Transformer.

   I will never change who I am for anyone. If you cant accept me the way I am, I will find someone else who will.

   Rebecca Black - "its friiday, friiday" *Jason Voorhees walks in stabs her in the face and goes home* yeah, Friday the 13th.

   Maybe you should eat that makeup, so you can be damn pretty on the inside.

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt?...bet you're wondering now.

   I don always use Internet Explorer, But When I do, Its Always to download another browser. !

   Amy Winehouse Making the recession worse for drug dealers since 2011

   not watching jersey shores!!!!!!

   The minute people fall in love they become liars