Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   Nothing like waking up to drunk texts from the guy you like blurting out his feelings for you and now it's your turn to play it cool.

   If I choose you over sleep, you must be f^cking special.

   I bet dogs are saying "Where is our damn Abraham Lincoln? We are tired of these humans thinking they own us."

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   New lovers are like computers...they go down unexpectedly.

   a woman with loose morals “Frito Lay”?

   My ultimate goal in life is to someday sing 800-CASH-NOW in a JD Wentworth commercial.

   "Dude! He just called you a thief!" "Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!"

   making a NYE resolution is like making a wish...you dont need to tell everyone

   There are 3 kind of people.. The one's that know how to count and the ones that don't

   the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn't make it any less special.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking, and half of my head is shaved, I have shaving cream in one hand, and the other hand is in a glass of warm water; especially when I've been drinking at home alone

   Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?

   says Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused :\

   It's been an interesting roller-coaster ride for the Republican candidates up to this point, but I have heard that Tebow is favored to win tonight's primary in New Hampshire.

   Clit rings are sexy, as long as her clit isn't the same size as Shaq's big toe

   I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I can't go back in the office because I had bacon for lunch and my b0ner hasn't gone down yet.

   enjoy the Patriots shirts, Kenya