Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are 3 kind of people.. The one's that know how to count and the ones that don't

   the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn't make it any less special.

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking, and half of my head is shaved, I have shaving cream in one hand, and the other hand is in a glass of warm water; especially when I've been drinking at home alone

   Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?

   says Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused :\

   It's been an interesting roller-coaster ride for the Republican candidates up to this point, but I have heard that Tebow is favored to win tonight's primary in New Hampshire.

   Clit rings are sexy, as long as her clit isn't the same size as Shaq's big toe

   I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I can't go back in the office because I had bacon for lunch and my b0ner hasn't gone down yet.

   enjoy the Patriots shirts, Kenya

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   Metallica is now changing their name to lica ..cause they no longer play Metal

   is it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   Be an OPTIMIST Prime and not a NEGAtron.

   my doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks. I have to sit when I pee now.

   No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏. What I see: ∮₪₮￦￡. What the nurse sees: Aspirin.

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.......

   With Hostess gone now I wonder how many Straight Men out there will be CRAVING DING DONGS =/

   facebook needs a button that says,"What you just posted makes me want to stab you in the neck with a crescent wrench"