Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's subliminal message is . . .

   Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   John Mellencamp was a visionary because he knew that Cougar in 2010 would have a very different meaning

   more nervous than a ceiling fan salesman with a toupe.

   has anyone ever looked at a Jeopardy contestant and said to yourself, "Hey, I bet that person would be fun to hangout with."

   Realized there is a fine line between a true friend and a fake, two faced back stabber who cares only about his/her self.

   Sugar daddy: Like a genie - he may be a little old, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes.

   The early bird may get the worm.... But the second mouse gets the cheese....

   I want to learn the Vietnamese language so I can sit here and understand the ladies doing pedicures. Between their tone and their giggles, I know they're talking Sh*t!!

   preparing for next Halloween..... Just ordered a pinata costume for his wife and enough sticks for all the kids in the neighborhood.

   I Like my Job on my day's off, I LOVE my job on paydays!

   Yay Ground hogs day is on TV. Yay ground hogs day is on TV.

   teasing mall cops by running out of every store at top speed. starting to enjoy the frisking...

   Has anyone ever got like a lil pain or cough and you google your symtoms and it always say you may have cancer or HIV/AIDS....#nevagooglesymtomsagain

   Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.

   I'm Irish. I don't like anything I can't drink, f#ck, or punch.

   whatever happened to Gallant and Gufus?

   better to be slapped by the truth than kissed with a lie

   went to a sorority house party, passed out and woke up with ovaries on my cheeks and a gaping √agina on my nose...it would have been funnier if they had just drawn something

   psychology suggests that religious people are categorized in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. If you want to be sure, google it.