Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have a devil and an angel on our shoulders. Only problem is my devil has a gym membership!

   [This status has been removed for violating thought processes]

   When the hell did my delusions of grandeur, turn into delusions of adequacy?!?

   have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while you eating it?

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   young at heart..... other parts slightly older.. and broken!

   HAH....the radio just said it's Rosie O'Donnell's 49th birthday..... And here I thought he was more like 60 !.... just sayin'

   How does Robocop have so many rounds of bullets in that little clip??

   After last night, I do believe being pregnant is like your unborn being on Section 8. Where else can they live dirt cheap, eat free food all the while pissing the hell out of the landlord.

   greatest pickup line ever: "Some of my friends were talking about some video game and I don't want to sound like a loser in front of them.. so what's Black Ops?"

   Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

   Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield, it said parking fine

   The definition of irony: Not knowing the difference between a definition and an example.

   Every time you lie to your kid and tell them that some dumb thing they did is "great"... you're potentially creating the next Ke$ha.

   On this blessing occasion of mother's day I'd like to thank all the sri lankis and philippinos and other maids who are raising the precious lebanese children and wish them a happy mother's day

   What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

   Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

   Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.

   There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.