Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*it before....;)

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...

   Farmville? Fishville? I want to play Margaritaville. All I need is: 1800 Tequila, a pop-top and a woman to blame. But if I don't get them, I know it is my own damn fault.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween, stood next to the Easter Bunny, and handed out eggs......

   They always do things bigger in Texas.

   Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the Doctor?...............He was feeling Crummy

   Please stop saying "My Valentine is my child." or "Jesus is my Valentine." Unfortunately, they don't count as real Valentine's.

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   As Jesus said: "It's ok to sin as long as you don't forget to ask for forgiveness later." -people who invent Bible Verses

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____

   The Green Gay Fudge Packers are going down on Sunday!

   Maybe NYPD can use their new found love for back turning, the next time they see a dark skin person doing nothing wrong.