Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "There is always the one girl out there that got away. Guys have that ... and serial killers have that."

   skinny genes...

   Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.

   Everyone complains about octomom but everyone loves the duggars who popped out 20+ of those things. Shows you americans don't understand how much octo means

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally makeup the source.” – George Washington

   In other news from Rome, the Italian police were tipped about a major pedophile ring gathering on the outskirts of Rome....Oh crap! It's the papal conclave. Nothing to do about that....yet!

   You know you're drunk when you swerve to miss a tree and it's the air freshener in your car!!!!

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

   My probation officer didn't check on me tonight.....THUG LIFE

   Guns don't kill people , My cousin does!!!

   Ophrah needs to hang with Jennifer Hudson

   Bert and Ernie...it's ok to be gay, it's 2011. Just get married and get it over with.

   ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫

   Whîte people. Please stop saying "like a boss" and "what up dog". That shî† went out with the Clinton administration.

   Just had coffee so black that it looted the silverware from the table.

   surprised that Kate and William didn't go with my suggested royal baby name of Princess Consuela Bananahammock!

   What's the right age to tell your kids Canada isn't real?

   Did you hear about the woman who liked it in the ear? Everytime you try to put it in her mouth she'll turn her head...

   1990: I like big butts and I can not lie! 2005: Booty, booty, booty, booty- rockin everywhere! 2011: Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!