Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance. 
If you can't handle haters then you can't handle fame.
WARNING! My mind is subject to change.
I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.
Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!
Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.
They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?
Wow the local Chinese food place has online ordering now. Seems like you can order anything online with the click of a button, including a wife. The world is slowly becoming a better place for Stephen Hawking.
Even straight guys have a gay side.. I have never seen a good lookin group of guys.. With one ugly guy in it..
The nice black lady working at my hotel is named "Cliche". I hope her brother is named "Stereotype".
Coincidence that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease share the same initials? I think not.
Tried the Harlem Shuffle, Gangnam style... I may have snapped a hip.
Take that ZULU nonsense and shove it up your ass!
The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.
George and Barbara B ush must be some proud parents. One son was President, two were Governors and one now plays for the Detroit Lions!
"It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever
If you're one of those people that talk about your "haters," odds are I hate you too..
Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.
Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world
This is from a greedy single, " Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married. " 