Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook is not a shower, keep your clothes on!

   Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.

   My wife worked my ass off today. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   Sad to read that the creator of classic party game Twister has died. Top bloke and will always be remembered for giving me the chance to see my auntie's crack.

   Nothing makes me go from zero to Hitler faster than someone touching my phone.

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   This is from a greedy single, " Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married. "

   My generation should be on Survivor!! This will be the 54th "end of the world" we have endured!! The Tribe has spoken....We are badas$$!

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   turns out, Chanting "I'm not creepy" in front of a mirror doesn't make you feel any less creepy.

   finally a cute stalker

   As a kid if a boy liked a girl he'd poke her, call her dirty names & pull hair until she cried. Odd, as an adult girls beg guys to do that.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   Thank God Obamacare is currently there to take care of those who have unnecessary heart palpitations over Trumpcare.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.