Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's funny how the ;) can make anything seem dirty................

   -19 degrees tonight…I'd hate to be a sweaty stripper…

   " why is there no edit option on facebook" .. like the whole world never makes a typo ?

   asked to leave from a house party for being to rowdy. Solution.....I asked to use the bathroom and upperdecked their toilet.

   My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.

   As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   Who would in a fight between Walker, Texas Ranger and Lone Wolf McQuade?

   I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

   What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.

   they need full length mirrors at the self-checkout line in the grocery store

   I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high!

   I would love to become Facebook friends with a hooker because I bet the status updates would be very interesting if they were honest, like, "Lindsey just made $300 in 15 minutes."

   wondering if whales believe in karma

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   Camping? You want me to go camping? Listen...My idea of "roughing it" is a night at Motel 6 with no cable. ng it

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   in support of our brothers and sisters who just experienced the earthquake on the east coast, I think all west coasters should have the rest of the day off!!!

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   My version of the hokey pokey doesn't include a lot of hokey.