Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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6 out of 10 people wash their hands after using the bathroom, 4 out 10 use soap, 3 out of 10 actually wait for the water to get hot also. 
a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
"There is always the one girl out there that got away. Guys have that ... and serial killers have that."
skinny genes...
I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.
Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.
wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that
If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.
It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....
it's funny how the ;) can make anything seem dirty................
-19 degrees tonight…I'd hate to be a sweaty stripper…
" why is there no edit option on facebook" .. like the whole world never makes a typo ?
asked to leave from a house party for being to rowdy. Solution.....I asked to use the bathroom and upperdecked their toilet.
My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.
As I sit here eating Cheerios out of a plastic bowl, it makes me miss my kids in their toddler years. I think I'll get a High-Chair and make them eat dinner in it. I hope the weight limit is higher than 150lbs. Teenagers weigh a lot.
I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.
Who would in a fight between Walker, Texas Ranger and Lone Wolf McQuade? 