Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   So in other news...On his last night, Larry King will reminisce about some of his best interviews with people like Michael Jackson, Nelson Mandela, and Moses

   I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show

   Washington and Colorado legalize marijuana, Seattle and Denver advance to the Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think pot!

   I am sorry baby but I belong to a secret cult that believes Valentine’s Day is just another day. Same applies to birthdays.

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.

   You think the colts are going to win? You better Belichick yourself before you wreck yourself

   *wipes away tear* You had me at "Dwarf Stripper."

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears