Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time

   Taught my boy a lesson today.. When you give your girl a facial, You must wipe off the monitor afterwards.

   D ick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   WEED: Atleast its not crack!

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Just ate the last bit of food in my lunch box, this overtime now officially sucks!!!!

   Did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by now?

   Hey Lady Gaga- Way to add new lyrics to Madonna's Express Yourself.

   Two guys walk into a bar ...... the third one ducked.

   remember afro sheen? now we got Charlie Sheen. ;)

   If you have to steal something. then it's obvious you never needed it in the first place.

   Hmm, a country that's government still wears women's wigs older yes, wiser, me thinks not.

   Get ready for the Rapture 6.0 on October 21st. Yay I have time to get my blunt force zombie hunting weapons ready!

   Some status p0sts are not meant to be liked or disliked, they are just meant to be digested/pondered.

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

   big story in the paper about a movie called Super 8. I must be getting old because I don't remember the first 7 movies of that series.

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   My ex started complaining about a fly buzzing around the room, but a few swift, heavy handed, well placed smacks solved that problem. The fly on the other hand started to get kind of annoying.....

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...and don't care!