Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.

   In the interest of political correctness, the song will be now called, "Rudolph, the Native American-nosed Reindeer".

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"

   if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.

   Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks

   Look to the left. Now look to the right. I just virtually b!tch-slapped you.

   We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time

   Taught my boy a lesson today.. When you give your girl a facial, You must wipe off the monitor afterwards.

   D ick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   WEED: Atleast its not crack!

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Just ate the last bit of food in my lunch box, this overtime now officially sucks!!!!

   Did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by now?

   Hey Lady Gaga- Way to add new lyrics to Madonna's Express Yourself.