Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who carry a little extra weight live long than the men who mention it

   Johnny Football requests as much publicity as possible during his rehab.

   I bought an at home do it yourself a$$hole bleeching kit today...it said it contained enough solution to completely bleech one a$$hole...i thought I did it wrong,i was a little upset but i'm all white now

   "So You Thought You Could Watch This Show About Dancing"

   Happy first day of fall! ¡ƃuıɹds ɟo ʎɐp ʇsɹıɟ ʎddɐH

   I hate it when I wake up next to someone and can't remember who they are, where I met them or how they died.

   National No Bra Day was off the hook.

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"

   It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   my anaconda dont want none unless you got funds hun

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

   can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

   No one lives in Windmill Alley anymore. They all died of cancer.

   Do you know is not for some people smoking Marijuana the murder rate would be a lot higher than it is.. So get high and keep the murder rate low. . .

   North Korea and China are pretty much going to do what they want, because Asian culture does not respect Russian puppets.

   Trump is now claiming, that his Perrier water is being tapped.

   My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!