Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey brain, tell the idiot that Carona is not a screw top!! Signed, the skin between the thumb and fore finger.

   apparently people dont like it when I tell the truth.... well honestly IDGAF!! :)

   That awkward moment when you've been drinking, waiting for your girl come over and she calls to say she being arrested and needs you to come get her car from the cops before it gets impounded.

   Who cares if taco bell isn't using all beef, whatever it is it taste good and it's playing the part!

   says yeah, yeah Aguilera messed up the lyrics, probably because she was afriad of getting sexually assaulted by the Roethlisberger...

   upset :( threw my iPhone with the "flight mode" on, but it didn't fly...

   sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose

   just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

   i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalizer.

   Without ME, it's just AWESO

   Just because I'm drive, doesn't mean I can't drunk!!!

   Why don't you cram some of that make up down your throat so you can be pretty on the inside>?

   3 words, 8 letters. 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, one emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU!

   I think Osama will be the next Megatron

   Cant believe why jews didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

   atheists only exist cause they haven't tasted this grilled cheese I just made.

   If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

   if Americans took all that energy they spend insulting bieber and snooki and diverted it to the gym am sure you would be much happier and skinny

   first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering

   making love to your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked.