Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why don't you cram some of that make up down your throat so you can be pretty on the inside>?

   3 words, 8 letters. 3 syllables, 5 vowels, 3 consonants, 2 nouns, one emotion, many meanings, a big lie, a rare truth: I LOVE YOU!

   I think Osama will be the next Megatron

   They told God that Joe Paterno was waiting at the Pearly Gates. And then God passed that information along to the proper authorities.

   If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

   I don't like black and white films, they remind me to much of news pappers.

   The next time the hostess asks you "Would you like a table?", you should respond "No, not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

   Did you that a slug has 3,000 teeth and four noses. Beating out Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers by eight teeth.

   R.I.P. Adam "MCA" Yauch...You finally got your License to ILL.

   R.I.P To everyone who didn't make it to this Thanksgiving, I hope their families will be strong & have fun for them.

   my dads a math professor and he staples taco bell applications on failed tests

   Hilarious how both Republicans and Democrats think they do now wrong when both sides are equally as evil...end the 2 party system and America will be great again

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

   The only difference between the New Matrix movie and the old ones is that the Red & Blue pills are now suppositories

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   lamophobia is the new Race Card.

   Aaron Hernandez went from getting 40 million as a tight end, to needing two packs of smokes for a tight end.

   (true story) The neighbor guy stop over to thank me. Every time I'm outside grilling and take my shirt off his wife jumps up and runs outside to "mow the lawn" I thought it was weird that she mowed it twice a week.

   People hate Trump but they secretly cry and wish they were a Billionaire too

   Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.