Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my sub teacher in 11th grade was born without arms, he asked a girl "need a hand" & she laughed ..he should of slapped her!

   still embarrased about what I did for a klondike bar....that was 2 years ago leave it alone people..........

   Damn right I'm good in bed. I can sleep for days!!

   Do fathers who live in barns say to their kids "Open that door! What do you live in a regular house?"

   Women love taking showers in boiling hot water, because it reminds them of hell, where they come from ...

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.

   There's no way I could possibly be lactose intolerrant!! I love B( o )( o )BS!!!

   I just asked my buddy who's lived in Texas on a farm his whole life how many sexual partners he's been with. Strangely enough he started counting and fell asleep. O.o

   You're getting a cow? Maybe you mean a Muu Muu.

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   I always sit backwards on the toilet...got to have a place to sit my cereal!!! most important meal of the day ya know.

   enough with the gun control debate already. Just make guns illegal and there will never be another problem again. Just like all the other things they made illegal and you never hear about again. Like, murder, rape, kidnappings, drugs. etc.......

   Hoppy Easter Everybunny

   Here's the deal... No matter what state you're in, if you want Meth, find the nearest trailer park.

   ever take a poop so big your pants fit better!

   I like hearing how actors shouldn't have political opinions from people who worship Ronald Reagan.

   If you are ever invited to anyone's Emotional Amusement Park, always aviod their Roller Coaster of Stupid Mistakes and ask them to meet you at the Carousel of Common Sense.

   Why do olives come in tall jars?So the Italians will have a place to keep their combs.