Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   President Obama misunderstood that today is Flag Day. He thought it was Hag Day and took Helen Thomas out to lunch.

   This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president

   The orange man tweets a meme of his golf ball hitting Hilary but cries like a lil spoilt brat when Alec Baldwin parody him on SNL. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it.

   Let's be honest: The refugees being detained at JFK airport have gone through more vetting than Donald Trump's cabinet.

   The Arabian gas station attendant was closing the store when I pulled up. While I was pumping gas, he came outside and was shaking the welcome mat. I asked "What's wrong?... It won't start?

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   Tragedies are God's way of saying, "I'm not real".

   220 Koreans in a plane crash.... No wonder we already have so many photos of the wreckage. (>_<)

   Obama says the GOP would cripple the country if they won the presidency. Well, at this point being crippled would be an improvement. I'd rather be Christopher Reeve than Terry Schiavo

   My bad, Obama is demanding British rocker Billy Idol change Rebel Yell to Rainbow Yell.

   blackparent:*spank* . DIDNT . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND ! *spank*!

   My pen!s ejects bronzer if any of you ladies need a spray tan

   Hey Obama, I could really use that "change" right now! I'm at the gas pump and could really use some extra quarters!!

   Obozo is no longer President. President TRUMP

   wondering if Michael Jackson's Heart was telling the Defibrillator to just Beat It?

   What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off and a priest sucks them off.

   thinks Ty Pennington and Extreme Makeover Home Edition has a couple years worth of shows in Haiti

   Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking

   A guy that's inbred and makes a living helping people trick ducks into landing for sex, is going to tell his opinion about wrong sex... Shove that down your throats!