Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering where the white goes when the snow melts.

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight

   Sometimes I will post on a friend's wall because a really ugly person just did I want my pic to look good next to it in comparison. And if the next person thats posts is ugly....bonus!!

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   Rihanna can stopp tryin' . . . Seems like Chris Brown slapped the music outta her. . .

   Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   If one of Santa Claus's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   Mike Pence isn't praying hard enough for us. I'm beginning to think he doesn't care about us at all.

   If you don't think this quarantine has changed people, I just want to point out that it turned Jake from State Farm black...

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   *Doctor enters room*.."I'm going to be blunt with you".. *whips out a huge joint*.."Let's light-up".. Nice.."BTW, you've got epilepsy".. Nice

   Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.