Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will be a good girl..I will be a good girl..I will be good girl. O hell, we all know that won't happen.

   Q. How long will Charlie Sheen's tour last? A: 2 1/2 shows!

   Thanks Rebecca Black, because of you I don't know if I should sit in the front seat or the back seat.

   Funny that when you hear a man's name, you can instantly work out his nationality: Paolo - Italian Pierre - French Diego - Argentinian Sven - Swedish Klaus - German. Mohammed - British

   My relationship status with Adobe Photoshop is "It's Complicated"

   Love is in the air..... Good thing I have my gas mask on xD

   Humor has been cancelled for the day. We look forward to serving you in the near future.

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..