Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   I would like to wish president Obama happy vetera.....oh wait. My bad.

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   Remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thinks" I was joking.

   Aah, It's the weekend again. Time to gather the family around the computer or smart phone and read out my status updates for the week. Keep smiling my friends.

   I can't believe UPS stole the "What can brown do for you?" slogan from Ex-Lax. Ain't that some sh*t?

   You know why they call it golf? Cause all the other four letter words were taken!!

   Just poked about 20 people in about 20 sec's flat... Whew... Blows on finger....

   I had no idea Elton John married Matt Lauer?!

   just returned from Pakistan--does anyone know how to clean the dirt out from under your nails? no specific reason as to why.

   The awkward moment when a Liverpool fan asks what's the time and its 19:18.

   s a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Can't wait till the movie "colombiana" comes out. She is the real definition of a Bad b!tch....

   when you run like a ninja to your charger when your phone is low battery

   UNDENIABLE FACTS 101: You were born because, your parents had sex.