Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   and today a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions gear

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.

   My wife does this cute thing where she sprays a mist of perfume in the air and runs through it and gets tripped by my foot and reports DV.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.

   When I married miss right, I didn't know her name would change to Mrs Always Right.

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   I would like to wish president Obama happy vetera.....oh wait. My bad.

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..