Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   I wonder where rich Swiss people hide their money...

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??

   The best thing about social media is that you can talk to people without having to put your pants on.

   I booked a nice table for two, then she tells me she doesn't like snooker, wtf?

   If Oscar Pistorius was born without arms instead of born without legs, this whole thing would of never happened...

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   My stomach just Yelled at me ... Thru my Butthole ! Ouch !!

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Remember, when booking a cruise its not which cruise ship to go on, its which 3rd world country you would like to go to.

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   What's up these Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials promoting cannibalism?

   OK girls...we aren't ignoring you, we are not being disrespectful, we hear the phone ringing, we hear the text notification!! We still love you, thank you for all you do.....So go shopping or get your nails done, go out with the girls or get something wax

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually