Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Remember, when booking a cruise its not which cruise ship to go on, its which 3rd world country you would like to go to.

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   What's up these Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials promoting cannibalism?

   OK girls...we aren't ignoring you, we are not being disrespectful, we hear the phone ringing, we hear the text notification!! We still love you, thank you for all you do.....So go shopping or get your nails done, go out with the girls or get something wax

   I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually

   TODAY'S GOSPEL: The best way to get along with people is to not expect them to be like you.

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?

   A Gary Busey can lose up to 30 000 teeth in its lifetime.

   "I want you to come inside me." - Buildings

   and today a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Champions gear

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.

   Kanye should’ve interrupted Miley’s performance to say that Beyonce’s ass would look better in those shorts.

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve?

   My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.

   When I married miss right, I didn't know her name would change to Mrs Always Right.

   There are teenagers having unprotected sex, but have cases on their cell phones. Just let that sink in for a moment...

   Screw milkshakes, vodka and weed are the reason why I am in your yard.