Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   Sex for Hugh Hefner at his age must be like shooting pool with a rope.

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Kate is officially a milf

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way