Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.