Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should have taken the red pill. Damn.

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   I almost forgot I cheated on my diet until my wife found panties in my truck!

   hiding from trolls, you never saw me....

   BBC News: "Web attacks on the rise."...........Must be Spiderman, the rascal!!

   Dont overstay in bed unless you re making money in it

   sitting on the poarch squirting squirrels with a 70 foot squirt gun! Take that you ratts!!!

   Have you ever dreamed you were peeing and thought to yourself in the dream, "Why is this taking so long to stop peeing?" Only to wake up and find your bed sop'n wet?...Me either

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   to let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse

   So I got out of having to hang with the inlaws by going to work. Good trade I say!

   wonders if anyone has ever fallen asleep at the keyboard and crashed into the monitor....Do they have insurance for that????

   The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What ..does a woman want?

   Grilled by the media contantly in recent weeks, authorities have stated that they had been following failed "Times Square Bomber" Faisal Shahzad for months, but only on Twitter.

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER

   so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy

   If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?

   If your friend doesn't lift a finger to help you...it is time to first lift a finger and then lift five fingers to wave goodbye!

   California is a nice place to live - if you happen to be an Orange.

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.