Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has just left his next instalment on his payback trail at the local BP. Thats right BP, you thought you made a mess. Wait till you get a LOAD of me..thats right, UPPER DECKER

   so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy

   Has anybody ever enjoyed moving ever? I now hate our mattress.

   loves to be the first person to use a new bar of soap

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   NOT being considered to be a judge on American Idol!

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: I will survive!!!

   The X Factor is on tonight! I can't wait..... To go out to the pub

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   People say they're not having the vaccine because they don't know what's in it, yet they'll walk into McDonald's and order a McRib sandwich.

   Walking in a winter wonderland still beats driving a Ford !

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   Grown ass men on Facebook playing Eye spy..Really?..Well when you're done playing that, maybe you can pull out your childhood easy bake oven, and make us all some cupcakes.

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .