Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia

   Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   Don't forget to support your local liquor store today!

   If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.

   Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I don't deserve to break someone's nose before I die.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.