Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw several boys gathered in the neighbors yard, figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake, or a drug deal....too soon to tell.

   Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"

   Ladies, please stop wearing sweatpants w/a corp logo on the butt. That area's only supposed to advertise YOU.

   In the future, you'll be able to accurately predict your past.

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   Trying to Fool me is like trying tosneak Sunrise past a Rooster !

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!

   I hate it when I am singing along to a good song and they change the words and make it look like I forgot them.

   Breaking News: New Chinese TV leaks just enough radiation so you get a gorgeous tan while watching

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   You've really got to hand it to short people because they often can't reach it.

   Valentine's gift ❒Electric Tooth Brush ❒ Electric Blanket ✔ Electric Chair

   What happens if you choke to death on a Life Saver?

   I got them moves like Jagger! (by which I mean I move like a 70 year old man)

   Roses are red. Rotting flesh is green. When the dead start to rise, I want you on my team!!!!

   i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.

   why doesnt a car dealer run for office? they lie & cheat the ppl to get our money already

   got a wedding invitation, the bride n groom are registered at US Tractor Supply... I bet the reception is gonna rock

   who was the idiot to make umbrellas have metal handles? ..."lets hold this over our heads to keep rain off us & keep us dry but lets put a metal handle on it so we hold metal when we have to keep rain off us during storms"

   I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.