Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a relationship with alchohol....fks me every time..

   You need motivation to START something, then to keep at it you need DISCIPLINE. You think you have these? Then move your ass.

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   If you cant live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?

   Rob Schneider looks like the type of guy that tries to jerk off on his own face.

   You summoned the Piss Wizard! Urine trouble now

   Oh great it's Summer...that means hearing about tomatoes for 3 freakin' months!

   Tarzan and Jane are the ultimate swingers.

   refusing to ride up Troy's bucket.

   Just saw several boys gathered in the neighbors yard, figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake, or a drug deal....too soon to tell.

   Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"

   Ladies, please stop wearing sweatpants w/a corp logo on the butt. That area's only supposed to advertise YOU.

   In the future, you'll be able to accurately predict your past.

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   Trying to Fool me is like trying tosneak Sunrise past a Rooster !

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!

   I hate it when I am singing along to a good song and they change the words and make it look like I forgot them.

   Breaking News: New Chinese TV leaks just enough radiation so you get a gorgeous tan while watching

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   You've really got to hand it to short people because they often can't reach it.