Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad.

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   Well Skittles Stock just took a plunge, again!!

   George Zimmerman has become the new Waldo.

   My favorite post of yours is........ the one I hitch you to at night.

   I remember whe a bathroom mirror was for brushing your teeth and picking zits , now it's for "duck" shots !!! Technology is awesome !!!

   I Drink therefore I'm Hungover

   When I told her she had the "Body of a Lane Bryant model", I meant it in a good way!

   Is it a zit or is it a 3rd nipple growing on my face. This is one of those wait & see moments people.

   I'd imagine that hitting the showers had a whole new meaning for the Penn State football team.

   in a relationship with alchohol....fks me every time..

   You need motivation to START something, then to keep at it you need DISCIPLINE. You think you have these? Then move your ass.

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   If you cant live without me, then why aren't you dead yet?

   Rob Schneider looks like the type of guy that tries to jerk off on his own face.

   You summoned the Piss Wizard! Urine trouble now

   Oh great it's Summer...that means hearing about tomatoes for 3 freakin' months!

   Tarzan and Jane are the ultimate swingers.

   refusing to ride up Troy's bucket.