Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.

   I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   This ceiling fan I have at home has 3 speeds: 1) barely moves, 2) slow as a snail, 3) about to fly and kill someone!!