Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ideas are cheap, execution matters.

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   Remember Folks: A day without sunshine is...like, well...night.

   Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.

   I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.

   I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull

   I'm sorry I put on surgical gloves to shake your hand.

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight