Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Live everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right!

   Grab somebody sexty, Text them hey, Send me everything tonight.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   My stomach just Yelled at me ... Thru my Butthole ! Ouch !!

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Remember, when booking a cruise its not which cruise ship to go on, its which 3rd world country you would like to go to.

   if I was a beer, I'd drink me,,,

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   What's up these Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials promoting cannibalism?

   I booked a nice table for two, then she tells me she doesn't like snooker, wtf?

   If Oscar Pistorius was born without arms instead of born without legs, this whole thing would of never happened...

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   I wonder where rich Swiss people hide their money...

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??

   The best thing about social media is that you can talk to people without having to put your pants on.