Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fighting fire with fire seems like a waste of time and resources. I'd use Justin Bieber.

   f you don't routinely use a Darth Vader voice to order at the drive-thru, odds are good we're not gonna be friends.

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   Do you think America will get so LAZY that we will have "Spray on pants."

   i really don"t need to know that you liked your own status...

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   Now all my friends are smoking crack and falling in vomit at McDonald's....appears to be an epidemic and spreading fast!

   The Good news is that now Tokyo Drift is only the SECOND worst thing to happen to the F&F Franchise.

   "Awe crap" ~ The first thing that goes through your head when "Michael has commented on your status" pops up in your phones notification bar.

   Women - your mouth can get you into a lot of trouble, but it can get you out of a hell of a lot more trouble.

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   It's a sick world where Paul Walker can die in an auto accident and Bieber walk away with a bad singing career... and breathing.

   Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again? That happens to me all the time.

   My boyfriend is such a treasure, I just want to bury him.

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably