Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wake me up when September ends

   I only fall for women that are cold, damaged and empty inside. That way I don't get accused of up a good thing.

   Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   Mmmmm. . .pi.

   Heard a rap song that didn't mention money, cars or hoes...Now i'm frantically trying to remember whether I took the blue or green pill!

   If being interrogated counts as talking to people then yes, I've been talking to people.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   Anyone who lets facebook determine their relationships is an infant.

   Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.

   i used to have super power but my therapist took them away

   Girls always win because girls always have the v@ginas.

   Status Upd@tes are like skirts. The shorter the better.

   Anyone know of a good book for training hamsters? Trying to amass my army.

   What's a nice guy like you doing in a b!tch like her?

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   Ignoring your ass is my favorite way of interacting with you.

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work