Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   about as useful as a dollar store pregnancy test........but I'm trying to stay positive about it...

   Ok, so I now know that if a girl asks if she looks fat, do not reply, "In what area?"

   More is better than less because if there's more less stuff, then you might want to have some more. And your parents won't let you because there's only a little. If you really like something, you'll want more of it. We want more, we want more. You really

   Everyone I know is either getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk

   Just saw Fast 6....watching the heroes downshift their auto stick in anger was just disappointing.

   Hunny... You dont speak a lick of English.. But you repeated my coffee order perfectly! Will you marry me!

   Tropical Storm 2013 Tip: To avoid lacerations while looting, be sure to wear puncture-resistant silicone oven mitts when crowbarring shop windows.....

   I want to start a new liquor company and call it "Responsibly". Free advertising since all liquor companies advise you to drink it, and you don't need to feel guilt because you're drinking Responsibly!

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you.

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach are aiming too high... jest saying

   wake me up when September ends

   I only fall for women that are cold, damaged and empty inside. That way I don't get accused of up a good thing.

   Marriage, or as I like to call it...grim death!

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   Mmmmm. . .pi.

   Heard a rap song that didn't mention money, cars or hoes...Now i'm frantically trying to remember whether I took the blue or green pill!

   If being interrogated counts as talking to people then yes, I've been talking to people.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   Anyone who lets facebook determine their relationships is an infant.