Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i love the people who say their company is priceless!!.. to me if it lacks a price, it more likely worthless!!

   about to play with all the big, cute doggys at the police station

   Everything you do is fine. Anything I do is a crime.

   I wake up every morning and thank God I don't look like Rick Ross.

   Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!

   I want you......I need you......to gouge my freakin eyes out if I'm ever forced to watch Nancy Grace trying to dance sexy again.

   I know the Flinstone characters are cartoons, but id "yabba dabba do" Betty! Just sayin.

   Dear Facebook, please remove the instant "share" button. The newsfeed was no much cleaner when people were just too lazy to copy and paste.

   Health Tip: rubbing fruit in the palms of your hands is not a safe alternative to washing with water.

   If I could find a deaf, mute hot blonde....I would give her the world!!

   This is how my relationship goes.....I turn her on the moment I get home from work and she satisfies my needs. I love my air conditioner!

   It's a shame the guy who invented the wheel didn't make a fortune from his invention, but the guy who invented Wheel of Fortune did.

   I hope you are as good with your lips as you are good with your words!

   forget the london roits , the main story I'm interested in is USA man killed by flying cow .... How did it get its pilot license?

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   Some people live one life, then tweet another.

   A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

   Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

   Whenever you feel like an idiot, just remember that flushing the toilet correctly already makes you less of an idiot than someone else

   The word "lulz" hurts my eyes. Please make it stop.