Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For some people, being able to speak 5 different langauges just means they can be annoying in 5 different languages.

   I don't care about what you're doing, I want hear about how much you hate what you're doing

   Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.

   if she ask "Does this make me look fat", if it does make her look fat, then the best answer is "Nah, it doesn't make you look fat, it just doesn't promote your shape well!"

   All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   I hate it when they call you from someone else's phone And you answered it

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   being chased out by Barzini and the rest of the Five Families...

   does anyone really think stretching your earholes is sexy? whats next? lip plates?

   I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.

   you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig

   WHAT DO WE WANT? If you have to ask, we're not telling you! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? We don't know! -Women's protest rally.

   FYI...It is not 'Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!

   stocking up on lucky charms to use as confetti on st patricks day

   today is hump day & leap day...this will be tricky

   Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...

   so happy my parents didn't have Facebook when I was a kid.

   I'm not FAT! It's just my awesomeness swilling up inside of me.