Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   being chased out by Barzini and the rest of the Five Families...

   does anyone really think stretching your earholes is sexy? whats next? lip plates?

   I've got 99 problems so I metaphorically placed each one in a luft balloon and then started slamming beers on the wall.

   you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig

   WHAT DO WE WANT? If you have to ask, we're not telling you! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? We don't know! -Women's protest rally.

   FYI...It is not 'Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!

   stocking up on lucky charms to use as confetti on st patricks day

   today is hump day & leap day...this will be tricky

   Snookie pregnant? Congrats to the NY Jets. In other news, the Mayans may be right ...

   so happy my parents didn't have Facebook when I was a kid.

   I'm not FAT! It's just my awesomeness swilling up inside of me.

   I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.

   Fixin' to do some mechanic work... Have a rear end to put in my recliner!

   2% of patients in mental hospitals are faking it, and are really just there for the cheesecake.

   Stoners make better...uh..wait...nah.....slower..yeah...stoners make slower lovers

   That little heart attack you get when your dog barely touches your foot and you picture a 2 lb spider before you actually look

   missing the days when Facebook status updates had to begin with "is"

   Chocolate lovers are thinner, study says. Obviously they did not contact me.

   Going out on a date with Octomom tonight… Just in case…wearing socks under 3 pairs of condoms…