Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.

   You claim to have started from the bottom. But you forget to mention you still down there.

   So they elected an Argentinean Pope... FREE CHURASCCO FOR EVERYONE!!

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   I hate Mondays. I've destroyed my office with my air guitar twice already today!

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   Okay ladies, these charges aren't going to press themselves...

   The easiest person to make fun of is me... But also that guy at Sam's Club who was stalking the corn dog samples. Oh wait....... Also me. Carry on

   I need Google in my brain and Anti-Virus in my heart.

   Tonight looks like a good night to do all the nothing I have planned! !!!

   With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   She said the 'F' word. She called us Friends.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously