Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   It's a bad day to be a witch.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   Taylor Swift reportedly has already dated, broken up with and written a crappy song about Tom Hiddleston.

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Oprah: You've returned after 2000 years. What's your message for humanity? Jesus: I just want everyone to know I never wore those sandals.

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   What does Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal have in common? Neither one of them knows they're white. . .

   Theresa May replaced David Cameron as UK's new Prime Minister. Finally someone with balls will run the country.

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   Grand Thaft Auto Go, New mission steal that car and kill everyone. Available Soon

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....