Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Perhaps next year's Columbus Day sales would be a 24-hour shoplifting spree.

   Every story about edible weed: 1) Not high. 2) Not high. 3) Still not high. 4) Not high. 5) Please drive me to the emergency room.

   Wait, I'm confused. Is Pete Burns Dead or Alive? (Too soon?)

   Kim: Honey, I haven’t heard your name in the news for over a week! Quick, say or do something stupid! Kanye: Hold my beer...

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!