Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else ever feel like life is a relay race and your paycheck is the baton?

   Bing Bing Harro prease!

   Sometimes I wonder where Thor puts his hammer while he is having sex.

   playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps Roule! And hopefully, when you wake up you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Beignets Rule" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.