Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My internet goes out more than I do

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   They say you should drink 8 glasses of water a day but honestly you can drink one a day and be fine just don't do cocaine

   Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   I'd say we're only a year or so away from somebody getting murdered for denying access to a phone charger.

   my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?

   The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.

   The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.

   Jack-in-the Box's always freaked me out. Some scary clown popping out. Shouldn't it have been a weasel?

   Does anyone else ever feel like life is a relay race and your paycheck is the baton?