Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   Ladies, if I comment on your fb posts with the haha reaction icon, it probably means I didn't actually find it funny. It's because you're hot.

   Whoever said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store clearly lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   Some people are so clueless, they couldn't buy a clue at Clue-mart on National Clue Day with a fist full coupons for a free clue.

   Why put dry powdered sugar on French Toast when the good Lord created Log Cabin syrup?

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   Let me get this straight. I should wear a mask, gloves, sunglasses and a hat. That sounds more like a disguise to me

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

   The pollen count is so high math labs are busy trying to turn their math back in to Benadryl

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   Does Octomom still have those 6 kids.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   If you looked up the word "modest" in the dictionary, you would see a picture of me.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   Its so hot in my apartment,Satan called asking if its for sale!lol

   I just saw a digital radio going for super cheap on EBay because it's stuck on full volume. Can't turn that down!