Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.