Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   Jack-in-the Box's always freaked me out. Some scary clown popping out. Shouldn't it have been a weasel?

   Does anyone else ever feel like life is a relay race and your paycheck is the baton?

   Bing Bing Harro prease!

   Sometimes I wonder where Thor puts his hammer while he is having sex.

   playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.

   The ONE true love that makes you a sandwich and forgets that you are gluten intolerant

   "All I asked was for a sandwich and a BJ"....... - My Tombstone

   What do I have to do to get sent to your room?!

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   This dream is just beginning. Please let me sleep.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml