Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   My internet goes out more than I do

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   while fixing the big Thanksgiving dinner remember to cook with wine like all the fancy tv chefs say....you'll be too drunk to realize what the family is saying or doing

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   They say you should drink 8 glasses of water a day but honestly you can drink one a day and be fine just don't do cocaine