Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Loving someone who doesn’t love you back isn’t as bad as trying to eat something immediately after brushing your teeth.

   Don't be that guy who all the women keep running away from on the dance floor.

   Homeland is a really good series if you’ve been having trouble sleeping.

   Take advantage of being a woman by bursting into tears during any sort of intense negotiations.

   People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger

   Arriving 5mins after the liquor store closed has taught me all I need to know about why people inexplicably jump in front of freight trains.

   You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps

   while fixing the big Thanksgiving dinner remember to cook with wine like all the fancy tv chefs say....you'll be too drunk to realize what the family is saying or doing

   the who thing between U.S.A and North Korea over the movie the interview is basicly the plot to South Park bigger longer and uncut

   They say you should drink 8 glasses of water a day but honestly you can drink one a day and be fine just don't do cocaine

   Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   Jack-in-the Box's always freaked me out. Some scary clown popping out. Shouldn't it have been a weasel?

   Does anyone else ever feel like life is a relay race and your paycheck is the baton?

   Bing Bing Harro prease!

   Sometimes I wonder where Thor puts his hammer while he is having sex.

   playing Mario & entering the castle.... of course I got a girl on Friday night....forever alone

   I'm at work. So if I don't answer you on fb chat, it means I'm not that busy but I've got a great excuse to not respond.