Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my umbrella taken away at gunpoint.....damn Burlington mall

   If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat.

   says: Be quiet in the classroom, respect the fact that others sleep! My gosh, seriously!

   I would love to one day use the term "blood, sweat and tears" and have more than just the "tears" part be true.

   Justin Bieber is the real reason why Ricky Martin decided to come out of the closet

   Someone please take these chocolate eggs away from me!!!! There's no more room in my jeans!!!

   We never do anything nice and easy, we always have to do it nice and rough.

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   Big trucks should only be allowed to drive in one lane and we will call it the sucky driver lane

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   This morning I thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so I swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Can anyone find me a link to some coverage of the Royal Wedding? I wonder what's happening... [/sarcasm]

   There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.