Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would have much more respect for someone if they personally sh!t on my lawn rather than have their dog as an intermediary.

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   Music caters to every type of moment, mood and moron.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   polar bears are left handed, hi-five them accordingly

   just taken a ride in the WAWA hoagie baloon.

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

   It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

   If you ever see Rick Ross running, call the police.

   you you know when you loose control of the words falling out of your mouth, you should do me a favor and just choke on it

   In life everything has a Yin & a Yang. Without demoralizing Monday mornings, there would be no debaucherous Friday nights.

   clicking her heels......... trying to find her way home.

   Since they are doing 2011 in review on various TV News/Info programs... They showed pictures of Rihanna with Red Hair and a pony-tail. I thought, "Wow, Wendy's Logo just got a New Look"

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Worked out for an hour. Ate two brownies. Somehow I am able to justify this because its Friday...

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.